In between: Can you actually eat the cake and have it too?

For anyone who has ever played in a band or will do it in the future,

You´re not special. Stop pretending we need you more that you need us. We are all rowing the same boat here at the end of the day. Like everyone else, also you are replaceable. Hell, in theory I could get a phonecall at this very moment where someone tells me my services aren´t needed anymore. In theory- so could you, especially if there´s a reason for it. We need you and want you to play with us. But stop using the rest of your bandmates and friends as a stepping stone to reach your personal awesomeness. We´re a band, not You and His Orchestra. You wouldn´t be the first guy in the history of rock being kicked out for getting too cocky, and certainly not last. Stop turning into that guy, seriously.
You´re moderate success is not because of you personally, it´s because of we all did what we did and somehow, weirdly, someone liked it too.Without us, we´d all be probably playing alone in a pub for 10 drunks with a bad acoustic guitar. And some day in the future, no- one likes us anymore and we´re back playing in that pub again. But hopefully, still together doing it as it´s much more fun that way.

But seriously. When setting up rehearsals, we know you are a busy man. Like we all are. So please, pretty please, stop making demands like "I can only come on next month´s thursday 13:15- 13:59". Especially if you´re a drummer. Basic rehearsals can be easily pulled off without the lead singer occasionally, but without e.g. drums it´s completely impossible. Your time is not more valuable than anyone else´s and if you think it is, I suggest reading the first paragraph of this babbling again. No- one is demanding your firstborn son here, and if it´s so hard to find occasional spare two hours in that week before an approaching important gig, you´re doing something horribly wrong. Consider it as "work"- you´re getting paid for the upcoming performance, so just take the rehearsing as part of the deal as well.
Also, concerning those rehearsals: We know you could probably handle your duties on stage without spending that much time at the practice room. At least you say you practice all the time. But did it ever occur you that maybe some of us aren´t as good as you and need to practice together routinely in order to sound good? Do you actually care? Or do you only think that it´s their personal laziness if they don´t play as well as you do? If you´re only interested on your personal success, think about it this way then: Did you think that Gene Krupa or fucking Jimi Hendrix just magically stepped to the stage from their kitchen and sounded like they did with the people who they played with? No, everything was a result of a hard rehearsing with the people you are creating the sound the audience hears. No- one looks a painting and says "what a wonderful tone of brown there is", except for some lousy art- critics. Everyone is looking for the bigger picture. And you´re only sounding as good as the bass player who didn´t rehearse with you because you though it wasn´t needed.

(Now, of course someone cracks up a joke how the bass will never be heard anyway. I can live with this, because you probably got my point.)

And speaking about the bigger picture: When finally getting up the stage, it´s not supposed to be your "special personal moment to shine among these dufuses". Please, concentrate more on how the band sounds together. Don´t be selfish. No- one cares how fast you are. Especially if you´re not that fast or technical you´re trying to be. It only sounds bad, no matter what instrument you play. And when it´s about the speed, it fucks up the whole song too, if you didn´t realize that. When we wrote the song in that certain tempo, there was a reason to it. Unless we collectively decide to change the beat, you´re not allowed to change it by youself without warning "because it sounds better to you". And in the worst case, the drummer doesn´t care and forces the beat back into what it should have been after he comes in. Or he might be the one fucking it up in the first place. In which case the doctor recommends rehearsing with a metronome.

Remember when you were called to join the band? You weren´t asked because you were a superb player. Or more handsome than the rest of us. Or your dad could drive us to the gigs. You were asked mostly because you were a friend and a cool guy who could somehow handle the instrument that was needed. In 95% of the cases, friendship is much more valuable thing than anything any of us could ever achieve with our high loneliness of awesome playing. Why don´t you take a step down from that self- made throne of cardboard and meet the rest of us? You know, your friends, bandmates, the people who know more of your dirty secrets than your wife probably does.


Lovingly,

Your bandmates.

Btw, we never told her that you weren´t actually sick like you said but just passed out on your own vomit after drinking that vodka you stashed from the backstage even though we really wanted to.